Volim te / I Love You

Da bi nešto dobili, treba da znamo i da damo, a ne možeš dati nešto što nemaš.

Tijana Stupljanin

Ove dve najjednostavnije reči su me doslovno spasile! Volim te, volim te, volim te, ponavljala sam do besvesti, ali je upalilo, jer ljubav nas održava u životu.

Često su me kada sam bila mala spopadali osećaji da nisam voljena, naizgled bez ikakvog povoda, ali u mojoj glavi ja sam bila nevoljeno dete. Svaka kritika, svako ne slaganje, svaka strogost, naredba, grdnja, koje su dolazile od mojih roditelja, ja sam doživljavala kao ne ljubav. U takvim trenucima sam imala destruktivne misli, želela sam da povredim sebe kako bih dobila pažnju i “ljubav”. Nisam fizički povređivala sebe, ali jesam sebi nanela dosta emotivne boli, a sa druge strane često sam radila nešto uprkos zabranama i bila sam jako naporno dete.

Kasnije sam imala potrebu da konstantno budem zaljubljena. Stalno sam nalazila razloge za zaljubljivanje, u stvari sam izmišljala i zamišljala stvari ne gledajući kakve su stvarno. Uistinu mi je ta zaljubljenost izdaleka, davala osećaj sigurnosti. U glavi sam bila zaljubljena, ali srce je ostajalo hladno.

Kada sam već postala mlada devojka, bežala sam kao od đavola od svih momaka koji su me gledali kao da sam neko nestvarno biće, a onima koje sam procenila kao bezazlene sam dopuštala da mi se približe. S druge strane iscrpljivalo me je držanje garda i podizanje ograda od onih koji su me gledali kao plen, kao objekat.

Ljubav je za mene bila ogledanje u drugim ljudima, očekivanje da me neko drugi voli bezuslovno, i kada sam super i kada sam loše volje, da neko bude uvek tu za mene, da me prati u stopu, da ispunjava sve moje potrebe. Ako mi neko kaže nešto grubo, ružno, nevažno ko, čak i potpuni stranac na ulici, meni potonu sve lađe.

Mislila sam da je to što sam lepa i dobra i nežna dovoljno da dobijem sve što sam izmaštala da se u ljubavi dobija. Naravno da sam se razočaravala više puta, naravno da sam bila ljubomorna i posesivna, jer nisam dobijala ljubav. Zašto nisam dobijala ljubav, a toliko sam je želela? Zašto me je ljubav bolela? Trebalo mi je vremena da shvatim, ali na kraju sam naučila da nas drugi ljudi vole i cene onoliko koliko mi volimo i cenimo sebe. Shvatila sam da su me drugi voleli onako kako su znali i onoliko koliko su mogli. Postalo mi je jasno da moram poći od sebe.

Svi želimo bezuslovnu ljubav, a da li mi volimo bezuslovno? Sve kreće od nas. Kako je unutra tako je i spolja. Spoljašnji svet je projekcija nas samih, bili mi toga svesni ili ne. Volim li sebe bezuslovno? Da li volim sve svoje mane, kao i vrline, da li volim sebe kada me spopadnu bubice, kada sam ljuta? Da li sam nežna prema sebi kada grešim, da li imam strpljenja sa sobom kada mi nešto ne ide od ruke? Da li ispunjavam sebi želje, da li ugađam sebi? Da li dozvoljavam sebi da budem sve ono što jesam? Da li izražavam sebe u svoj svojoj punoći? Da li prepoznajem svoja osećanja i dozvoljavam im da postoje? Da li razumem sebe, da li opraštam sebi?

Svaki odnos se gradi, iskrenošću, razumevanjem, nežnošću, strpljenjem, odgovornošću, podržavanjem, prihvatanjem, praštanjem, a sve počinje od odnosa sa sobom. Žao mi je za sve nerazumevanje i bol koji sam ti nanela, sada razumem da sam bila gruba i da nisam imala strpljenja za tebe, volim te baš takvu kakva jesi i prihvatam te sa svim vrlinama i sa svim manama, oprosti mi molim te i hvala ti. Ja sam odgovorna za sebe i svoj život i za količinu ljubavi koja postoji u mom životu! Dajem sebi dozvolu da volim i budem voljena bez vezivanja, bez uslova.

Ovaj put bezuslovne ljubavi nije pravolinijski, pun je krivina i uspona i padova, zato i kažem da se odnos sa sobom, kao i odnos sa drugim ljudima u našem životu gradi, to je proces u kome iznova upoznajemo sebe, prihvatamo sebe i rastemo, a sve stane u dve reči – volim te!

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If you want to get something, first you have to learn how to give, but you can’t give something that you don’t have.

Tijana Stupljanin

These two simplest words literally saved me! I love you, I love you, I love you, I repeated to the point of unconsciousness, but it worked, because love keeps us alive.

Often when I was little, I had feelings that I was not loved, seemingly for no reason, but in my head I was an unloved child. Every criticism, every disagreement, every strictness, order, scold, which came from my parents, I experienced as not love. In such moments, I had destructive thoughts, I wanted to hurt myself in order to get attention and “love”. I didn’t physically hurt myself, but I did inflict a lot of emotional pain on myself, and on the other hand, I often did something despite the prohibitions and I was a very difficult child.

Later I had a need to be constantly in love. I was constantly finding reasons to fall in love, in fact I was inventing and imagining things without looking at what they really were. Truly, that infatuation from afar gave me a sense of security. I was in love in my head, but my heart remained cool.

When I became a young girl, I ran away like from the devil from all the guys who looked at me as if I were some unreal being, and I allowed those I judged to be harmless to approach me. On the other hand, I was exhausted by holding guard and raising fences from those who looked at me as a prey, as an object.

For me, love was a reflection of me in other people, the expectation that someone else will love me unconditionally, both when I am great and when I am in a bad mood, that someone is always there for me, to follow in my footsteps, to fulfill all my needs. If someone tells me something rude, ugly, no matter who, even a complete stranger on the street, all my boats sink. I thought that being beautiful and good and gentle was enough to get everything I imagined you are supposed to get from love. Of course I was disappointed many times, of course I was jealous and possessive because I didn’t get love. Why didn’t I get love that I wanted so much? Why did love hurt me? It took me a while to understand, but in the end I learned that other people love and appreciate us as much as we love and appreciate ourselves. I realized that others loved me the way they knew how and as much as they could. It became clear to me that I had to start from myself.

We all want unconditional love, but do we love unconditionally? Everything starts from us. As it is inside, so it is outside. The outside world is a projection of ourselves, whether we are aware of it or not. Do I love myself unconditionally? Do I love all my flaws, as well as my virtues, do I love myself when moody, when I am angry? Am I gentle with myself when I make mistakes, do I have patience with myself when I am not good at something? Do I fulfill my desires, do I please myself? Do I allow myself to be all that I am? Do I express myself in all my fullness? Do I recognize my feelings and allow them to exist? Do I understand myself, do I forgive myself?

Every relationship is built with honesty, understanding, tenderness, patience, responsibility, support, acceptance, forgiveness, and it all starts with a relationship with yourself. I am sorry for all the misunderstanding and pain I caused you, now I understand that I was rude and I did not have patience for you, I love you just the way you are and I accept you with all the virtues and all the flaws, forgive me please and thank you. I am responsible for myself and my life and for the amount of love that exists in my life! I give myself permission to love and be loved without attachment, without conditions.

This path of unconditional love is not straightforward, it is full of curves and ups and downs, which is why I say that the relationship with ourselves, as well as the relationship with other people in our life is built, it is a process in which we get to know ourselves again and grow and it all fits into these two words – I love you!

Tijana Stupljanin

Proleće je / It’s spring

I’ll tell you something I never would tell to anybody else

My eyes are loving you with the look that deletes the distances

My dawns are filled with your caresses

Your hands full of happiness lay in my lap

You bring me joy, the sun lights up when you smile

Tijana Stupljanin

Ja, majka / Me, the mother

Postala sam majka pre skoro 8 godina, a tek sad sam spremna da pišem o tome. Ja sam neko ko svemu u životu pristupa studiozno i volim da budem spremna za sve moguće (i nemoguće :-)) scenarije. Čitala sam sve o trudnoći, pripremi za porođaj, vodila dnevnik trudnoće, išla na vežbe pripreme za porođaj, išla u školu roditeljstva, seminare na temu porođaja i roditeljstva, prečešljala sve o svim porodilištima u Beogradu, pa i o porodilištu u Pančevu koje ima dobar program za porođaj po meri trudnice, ma jedino na šta nisam otišla, jer sam kasno čula i nisam mnogo znala o tome, a nisam ni imala podršku da krenem da razmišljam u tom pravcu, jeste obuka kod dule za porođaj kod kuće, mada sam i o tome čitala i divila se, onako iz daleka.

Moj prvi porođaj je bio potpuno drugačiji od svega što sam pročitala, čula i vežbala! Klasičan traumatični, indukovani, porođaj prvorotke, samo u mom slučaju još i bez epidurala. Ne želim o tom iskustvu da pišem, jer time ne bih nikome pomogla, rećiću samo da je svaka trudnoća priča za sebe baš kao i svaki porođaj i baš kao i svaka beba koja nakon toga dođe na svet. Samo ću reći da ako znate da ćete biti pod indukcijom zaista dobro razmislite i o epiduralu, ja sam naivno mislila da moja prirodna elastičnost, visok prag bola i decenija bolnih ciklusa mogu da preguraju porođaj, ali indukcija nije prirodna sila i ne može se prirodom pobediti, iz mog iskustva.

U svakom slučaju, posle dva dana u porodilištu, došle smo kući moja bekana i ja i igranka je počela. Dala mi je taman toliko fore da mi se gvožđe, koje je čudom nestalo iz mog krvotoka, malo podigne na normalu i da mogu da sednem iole pristojno, a onda su krenuli grčevi, pa teško uspavljivanje. Nosali smo je, pevali, nunali, masirali, otkrili panda položaj na ruci, pa white noise, koji je nju kao smirivao, ali zato mog muža izluđivao :D. Ja sam u svom zamišljenom idealu planirala da joj ne dajem cuclu, nisam je ni kupila, dojila sam je kad god je tražila ili plakala. Sva sreća pa je moja sestra, već iskusna majka, prilikom prve posete donela cuclu. Čini mi se da se ni grčevi još nisu skroz završili, nju su počeli da svrbe desni, balavila je, sve što joj se nađe u vidnom polju stavljala u usta, ličila je na klovna sa crvenom farbom oko usta. Uspavljivanje je i dalje bilo čista akrobatika! Rećiću vam samo da je prvi put prespavala celu noć i to nekoliko noći za redom sa punih godinu i po dana! Ja još uvek nemam taj luksuz.

Dojenje mi je bilo jako važno i za to sam se pripremala upijajući sve savete. Tek sam sa drugim detetom shvatila da mi prvo dete nije uopšte bilo dobro postavljeno za sisanje, ali šta je tu je, čovek se uči dok je živ. Kad su prošle ragade, koje su većim delom bile posledica upravo loše postavljene bebe na dojku (obavezno pitajte neku babicu ili iskusnu dojilju da vam pokaže kako se u startu beba postavlja), dojenje mi je bilo najlepši deo materinstva, toliko nežnosti, lepote, ljubavi, bliskosti i mira u tako jednostavnom činu, dojenje je čisto služenje božanskom sa najvišim smislom!

Koliko sam uživala u dojenju, toliko mi je muke zadavalo menjanje pelena. Ne mislim na tehniku prepovijanja, to sam savladala lako, kao iskusna tetka dve divne duše. Činilo mi se da moje dete non stop kaki i piški i ozbiljno trenira moju izdržljivost. Presvuci dete pre podoja, presvukla, podojila, dete se ukakilo, presvuci ponovo. Presvuci dete posle podoja, dete zaspalo na sisi, nit’ da je budiš, nit’ da je ostaviš da spava sa punom pelenom! Nemoguća misija. Onda podrigivanje, majko moja, nosaj u specijalnom položaju, lupkaj po leđima, ali pogodi pravo mesto. Taman mislim, podrignula je, uspavam i spustim u krevetac, ne prođe ni 10 minuta, eto nje ili se ukakila ili nije do kraja podrignula.

Eh, kad se samo setim svih dogodovština! Ipak, to su sve najslađe muke, jer one male čudesne stvari koje se dešavaju u međuvremenu su toliko divne da sam stalno bila u zahvalnosti što svedočim tom čudu od života koje se odvija pred mojim očima i na mojim rukama.

Tijana Stupljanin

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I became a mother almost 8 years ago, and only now am I ready to write about it. I am someone who approaches everything in life studiously and I like to be ready for all possible (and impossible :-)) scenarios. I read everything about pregnancy, preparation for childbirth, kept a pregnancy diary, went to childbirth preparation exercises, went to parenting school, seminars on childbirth and parenthood, combed everything about all maternity hospitals in Belgrade, including the maternity hospital in Pancevo which has a good childbirth program tailored for a pregnant woman, the only thing I didn’t go to, because I heard about it a bit late and didn’t know much about, and I didn’t even have the support to start thinking in that direction, is training for giving birth at home, although I also read about it and admired it, from afar.

My first childbirth was completely different from everything I read, heard and practiced! Classic traumatic, induced, birth of a first-born, only in my case without an epidural. I don’t want to write about that experience, because I wouldn’t help anyone with that, I’ll just say that every pregnancy is a story for itself, just like every birth is and just like every baby that comes into the world after that. I’ll just say that if you know you’re going to be induced, think really well about the epidural, I naively thought that my natural elasticity, high pain threshold, and decades of painful cycles could push through childbirth, but induction is not a natural force and can’t be beaten naturally. From my experience.

Anyway, after two days in the maternity hospital, my baby and I came home and the party started. She gave me just enough time to get my iron, which miraculously disappeared from my bloodstream, to rise a little to normal and to be able to sit at all decently, and then the cramps started, and then hard times putting her to sleep. We carried her, sang, swayed, massaged, discovered the panda position on the arm, then the white noise, which calmed her down, but drove my husband crazy: D. In my imagined ideal, I planned not to give her a pacifier, I didn’t even buy it, I breastfed her whenever she asked or cried. Luckily, my sister, already an experienced mother, brought a pacifier during the first visit. It seemed to me that the cramps are not completely over yet, her gums started itching, she was drooling, she put everything that was in her field of vision in her mouth, she looked like a clown with red paint around her mouth. Putting her to sleep was still pure acrobatics! I’ll just tell you that she slept through the night for the first time, several nights in a row when she was a year and a half old! I still don’t have that luxury.

Breastfeeding was very important to me and I prepared for it by absorbing all the advice. It was only with the second child that I realized that my first child was not well placed for breastfeeding at all, but what is there is, a man learns while he is alive. When the nipple soreness was over, which were mostly the result of a badly placed baby on the breast (be sure to ask a midwife or an experienced breastfeeding mother to show you how to put the baby in the beginning), breastfeeding was the most beautiful part of motherhood, so much tenderness, beauty, love, intimacy and peace in such a simple act, breastfeeding is pure service to the divine with the highest meaning!

As much as I enjoyed breastfeeding, changing the diapers troubled me so much, on the other hand. I don’t mean the changing technique, I mastered it easily, as an experienced aunt of two wonderful souls. It seemed to me that my child was constantly pooping and peeing and seriously training my endurance. They say change the diaper before breastfeeding, I changed the diaper, breastfeed, the baby pooped, change the baby again. Then, change the baby after breastfeeding, the baby fell asleep on the breast, neither to wake her up, nor to leave her to sleep with a full diaper! Mission Impossible. Then burping, oh my god, carry her in a special position, tap her back, but hit the right place. Just as I think she burped, she falls asleep and I put her down in the crib, not even 10 minutes passes, there she is, she either filled her diaper or didn’t burp all the way.

Eh, when I just remember all the adventures! Still, these are all the sweetest torments, because those little miraculous things that are happening in the meantime are so wonderful that I have always been grateful to witness that miracle of life unfolding before my eyes and on my hands.

Tijana Stupljanin

Kuda vodi ovaj put? / Where does this road go?

“U životu postoje samo dva puta i oba vode na isto odredište, u smrt. Jedan od njih je put srca. Koji ćeš izabrati?”

Ne znam ko je autor ove pričice, to mi je možda promaklo. Za ovu mudrost čula sam od jedne divne, autentične žene Tamare Etera, pa ću evo ovde njoj dati kredit.

Toliko sam se često pitala o smislu života i u mladosti, možda više u metafizičkom smislu, ali i sada kada sam negde na sredini životnog puta i praktično. Kažem na sredini jer čini mi se da svi živimo sa tom nekom pretpostavkom da ćemo doživeti bar neki prosečni životni vek. Ali ko nam to garantuje? Prvo, ko mi garantuje prosečan životni vek? Drugo, čak i ako doživim duboku starost, da li to znači da sam živela više/kvalitetnije? Šta je merilo dobrog života, da li koliko sam dugo poživela ili koliko sam kvalitetno živela, a opet šta znači živeti kvalitetno?

Kada se zaista suočim sa ovom prvom ISTINOM, da ovaj život sigurno vodi u smrt i da ćemo svi jednom doći na kraj puta, da li mi ovo saznanje donosi mir ili nemir? Ako mi donosi nemir, znači da ne živim put srca. Ova DRUGA istina može biti čak i bolnija od prve, jer kod prve je naša odgovornost umanjena. Većina ljudi veruje da postoji sudnji dan za svaku dušu i ma šta radili u životu, kad taj dan dođe nema nazad. Ja, ipak, verujem da je slobodna volja ultimativni princip i da, nekada, i duša može da se predomisli i promeni tok svoje sudbine. Svakako, smrt neće niko od nas izbeći, samo je možemo posmatrati kao kraj ili kao novi početak…

Začkoljica sa slobodnom voljom je upravo ta da je sva odgovornost mog života u mojim rukama. Kada razmišljam o svom životnom putu i dalje se pitam, često oklevam, možda još uvek više sanjam život nego što ga živim? Često se setim ove mudrosti i pitam se, kada bi se moj život sada završio, za čim bih žalila? Ili, ako doživim starost pa se osvrnem na pređeni put, da li bih bila srećna i spokojna ili bih htela nešto da menjam? Svesna sam da ne živim svoj put srca svakog dana, ali sam zadovoljna i sa tim da se zahvaljujem i molim svakoga dana za vođstvo da ga ne gubim iz vida. Često mi se i pokaže da i neke sitne stvari koje radim naizgled stihijski, sa nekog aspekta životnog puta imaju svoje mesto i smisao.

Za mene u ovom sadašnjem trenutku (a šta drugo i posedujemo?) živeti kvalitetno znači usklađivati se sa svojom dušom što češće, osluškivati svoje srce i pratiti intuiciju, poštovati svoje telo, biti u ljubavi i zahvalnosti sa životnim okolnostima i naći način da podelim svoju autentičnost sa što više ljudi. Gde si ti SADA u svom životu?

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“There are only two paths in life and both lead to the same destination, to death. One of them is the path of the heart. Which will you choose?”

I don’t know who the author of this story is, I may have missed it. I heard about this wisdom from a wonderful, authentic woman, Tamara Etera, so I will give her the credit.

I have so often wondered about the meaning of life in my youth, perhaps more in the metaphysical sense, but also now that I am somewhere in the middle of my life also practically. I say in the middle because it seems to me that we all live with that assumption that we will experience at least some average life expectancy. But who guarantees us that? First, who guarantees me an average lifespan? Secondly, even if I live to be a very old age, does that mean that I have lived more/better? What is the measure of a good life, how long have I lived or how well have I lived, and again, what does it mean to live well?

When I really face this first TRUTH, that this life surely leads to a death and that we will all come to the end of the road one day, does this knowledge brings me peace or unrest? If it brings me restlessness, it means I am not living the path of the heart. This SECOND truth can be even more painful than the first one, because with the first one our responsibility is diminished. Most people believe that there is a judgment day for every soul and no matter what they do in life, when that day comes there is no going back. However, I believe that free will is the ultimate principle and that, sometimes, the soul can change its mind and change the course of its destiny. Of course, none of us will escape death, we can only look at it as the end or as a new beginning…

The catch with the free will is precisely that all the responsibility of my life is in my hands. When I think about my life path I still wonder, I often hesitate, maybe I still dream of life more than I live it? I often remember this wisdom and wonder, if my life would end now, what would I regret? Or, if I live to an old age and look back on the journey, would I be happy and calm or would I want to change something? I am aware that I do not live my way of the heart every day, but I am also pleased to thank and pray every day for guidance so that I do not lose a sight of it. It is often shown to me that some small things that I do seemingly spontaneously, from some aspect of my life path, have their place and meaning. For me in this present moment (and what else do we have?) to live well means to align with my soul as often as possible, listen to my heart and follow my intuition, respect my body, be in love and gratitude with the life’s circumstances and find a way to share my authenticity with as many people as possible. Where are you in your life NOW?

Tijana Stupljanin

Istina će te osloboditi / The truth will set you free

Kada iz tebe izađe novi život, taj prvi dodir, prvi pogled na potpuno novo biće učini da u trenu spoznaš svu veličinu Boga, života, kreacije.

Ogromni potencijal koji svaka duša donosi na ovaj svet odjednom postaje opipljiv. U tom majušnom telu, ti vidiš diva. Neobjašnjiva je roditeljska ljubav i vera i nada, a nada poslednja umire.

Ume da bude zeznuta ta nada. Držimo je se čak i kad znamo, kad jednim delom duše osećamo istinu, istinu koja možda boli, ali je sve jedno tu i neće nestati samo zato što je ignorišemo ili potiskujemo.

Ipak, ta nada nas drži na površini, daje nam snagu da ne potonemo, podgreva nam veru dok ne postanemo spremni za istinu. A istina… Istina će nas osloboditi.

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When a new life comes right out of you, that first touch, the first look at that brand new being makes you perceive all the magnificence of God, life, creation.

Enormous potential that every soul brings to this world suddenly becomes tangible. In that tiny body, you see a giant. Parental love and faith and hope is just inexplicable, and the hope dies last.

That hope can be tricky. We hold on to it even if we know, when we feel with one part of our soul the truth, the truth that may hurt, but is nevertheless there and won’t disappear just because we ignore it or suppress it.

However, that hope is keeping us on the surface, gives us strength not to sink below, warms up our faith until we become ready for the truth. And the truth… The truth will set you free.

Tijana Stupljanin

Magija obične žene / Magic of the ordinary woman

Obična žena, ona koja tka nevidljivi omotač zaštite oko svojih voljenih. Ona koja bdi nad dečijim snom. Žena koja kao magijom drži porodicu na okupu, zlatnim nitima spaja sa ognjištem i one koji odu daleko. Nije ona ni kuvarica ni spremačica. Ona je čarobnica koja od hrane pravi gozbu, od ružnih snova bajku, iz briga iznedri nadu, iz straha hrabrost.

Znate svi bar jednu takvu, običnu ženu koja stvara neobičnu svakodnevicu. Jednom rukom kuva, drugom čuva, trećom mazi, četvrtom krpi, petom drži knjigu, šestom kupi veš, sedmom sprema kuću, osmom grli, devetom grdi, desetom se šminka, jedanaestom neguje, dvanaestom…

Ona je sve to: majka, žena, supruga, domaćica, kuvarica, drugarica, plesačica, vidarka, negovateljica, keva, vaspitačica, zabavljačica, ljubavnica, sekretarica, krojačica, učiteljica, vila i veštica.

Magija obične žene je ona nevidljiva snaga, ljubav i poverenje što drži porodicu na okupu, što od malih, običnih stvari svija gnezdo puno ljubavi.

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An ordinary woman, one who weaves an invisible sheath of protection around her loved ones. The one who watches over a child’s dream. A woman who, as if by magic, keeps the family together, with the golden threads connects to the hearthstone those who go far. She is neither a cook nor a cleaner. She is a sorceress who makes a feast out of food, a fairy tale out of bad dreams, hope out of worry, courage out of fear.

You all know at least one such, ordinary woman who creates an unusual daily life. She cooks with one hand, guards with the other, caresses with the third, stitching clothes with the fourth, holds a book with the fifth, folds clothes with the sixth, cleans the house with the seventh, hugs with the eighth, scold with the ninth, puts on make-up with the tenth, nurtures with the eleventh…

She is all that: a mother, a wife, a woman, a housewife, a cook, a friend, a dancer, a healer, a caregiver, a mom, an educator, an entertainer, a lover, a secretary, a tailor, a teacher, a fairy and a witch.

The magic of an ordinary woman is that invisible strength, love and trust that keeps the family together, that bends a nest full of love from small, ordinary things.

Tijana Stupljanin

Jesenja priča

Ustala sam toga jutra, sanjiva, još uvek više u noći nego u danu. Moj mačak Sredoje lickao se na ivici kreveta i na prvi moj pokret skočio je na sve četiri spreman da me isprati u stopu.

  • Pogledaj Sredoje, vidi kako se vetar poigrava sa suvim lišćem, baš duva! Skuvaću čaj!
  • Mijau;
  • Dobro Sredo znam da ćeš ti radije nešto da gricneš, masno i slasno.
  • Šta bi danas voleo da radimo? Može jedna šetnja po parku, da se igramo u lišću i skupljamo kestenje, trebaće mi za jedan jesenji projekat.

Rezak vazduh me je drsko okrznuo, brrr, trebalo je da uzmem onaj vuneni šal. Koliko je priroda lepa i jednostavna. Uvek osetim neku prijatnu zanesenost pri svakom susretu sa prvim naznakama novog perioda u godini, u životu… Šuškava površina skriva zemlju, možda i neki trag, ipak deluje meko i zaštitnički. Nešto tvrdo sam nagazila, to je zeleni igličasti ukras šume, divno, kesten je ostao ceo, cakli se i stvara osećaj gorčine kada ga prineseš ustima.

  • Ne, Sredoje! Jaoo, pa, ostavi tu pticu! Nee, fuj!

Surova igra prirode, jači i spretniji preživljavaju. Ali raskrvareno nežno belo perje golubice bespomoćnog pogleda u zubima kućnog ljubimca, tvog ljubimca čiji te mjauk i mekoća koraka na prekrivaču budi iz jutra u jutro! Takav prizor bi rastužio i one sa tvrđim srcem, a kamoli moju nežnu dušu. Kakva je to sudbina ptice koja živi od bačenih mrvica i guguče pod strehom u cik zore? Golubovi su beogradski petlovi, simboli mira i slobode, znaš… Stresla sam se misleći o okrutnosti životinjskog sveta. A šta je sa nama ljudima? Priroda se i tu poigrala, i mi joj neprestano uzvraćamo nebrigom i nemarom. Ipak ne bih rekla da je priroda ta koja je surova, ljudi su najveći krvoloci…

Šta sam drugo mogla, uzela sam nekoliko najvećih i naizgled najčvršćih listova i potpomažući se parčetom drveta sahranila beživotne ostatke nesrećne ptice u limenom pokrovu kontejnera. Pred vratima me je čekao moj mačak samozadovoljnog izraza i bez trunke sažaljenja prema golubici i meni, mirno je lickao šape čekajući da ga pustim u toplo, shvatih u trenutku da sam saučesnik u njegovoj prljavoj igri! Nisam imala potrebu da se dalje suočavam sa tim, on je ipak moj mačak, volim ga i uvek je tu za mene. Ipak neko vreme neću hraniti golubove, to bi mi delovalo kao postavljanje zamke.

Mnogo je lepše posmatrati igru vetra kroz krošnje i sivkasto plavetnilo jesenjeg neba iz fotelje, uz srkutanje čaja. Sredoje prede na mome krilu, miris dunja i jabuka razlio se po sobi. Negde između sanjarenja i dremke, kao oštricom noža preseče mi misli, sećanje na tebe mi nabra čelo. Nikada nisi prezao da remetiš moj mir, mada ne znam otkuda baš sada da me ovako prepadneš, mislila sam posle onih neprospavanih noći i pijanih zora da si otišao zauvek…

  • Izvini, Sredoje, nisam htela da te probudim, prošla me je neka jeza, produvao me je vetar, to je sve… nastavi da dremaš, saputniče moj meki.

… Nisi ti NAS napustio… nije to bila ljubav, MI smo bili stanica u tvom životu. Da bi nas napustio morao si prvo imati nameru da ostaneš, ali ti nisi našao razloge da se vežeš, jer ih nisi ni tražio. Ti se ne vezuješ, ni za mesta, ni za ljude, zašto bi ostao pored jedne žene?! Ne, nisi ti napustio nas, napustio si mene. MI je nešto što sam ja gradila uljuljkana tvojim pričama o sreći. Gradila sam jedan san koji se raspršio u naletu samo jednog talasa.

Videla sam ti u očima kukavičluk, strah, da si mogao pogledom bi zatro to seme koje je nekim čudom proklijalo u meni. Tada sam shvatila da “nas” neće biti, da postojiš samo ti i da ću jednoga dana opet moći da postojim i ja, a mnogo je teže bilo oprostiti sebi. Kako sam potrebu pobrkala sa ljubavlju? Kako si uspeo da me ubediš u ljubav, uprkos svim željama koje si mi uskratio? Da li sam stvarno verovala da me voliš iako si sebično odbacivao moju ljubav, uzimao samo ono što si mogao da iskoristiš kao gorivo za svoj ego? Zašto me nisi pustio da odem kada si shvatio da ne umeš da voliš, da li si uopšte svestan svoje okrutne igre?

Odgovori su visili u vazduhu koji nas je delio na peronu broj 28 tog zimskog dana, u metežu ljudi odzvanjao je samo tvoj muk i tutnjava u mojim grudima, ili je to bio voz?

Ne sećam se… ostao je samo ukus divljeg kestena u ustima.

Tijana Stupljanin

Na početku beše reč / At the beginning of everything there was a word

Da li si ikada, kada se prazna stranica otvori pred tvojim očima, osetio snažan nalet energije? To je bio prvi trenutak kada sam stvarno osetila i pomislila – možda ti jesi pisac.

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Have you ever felt a rush of energy when a blank page unfolds in front of you?  That was the first time I truly felt and thought to myself – maybe you are a writer.

Gorela je sveća u noći bez mesečine. U naletu poslednjih kontrakcija uz vrisak moje majke začuo se i moj plač. Možda mi je baš ta noć bez zvezda i meseca odredila sudbinu – tragala sam za svetlošću. Živela sam u iluzijama, u polusnu. Umrla sam kada je nestalo ljubavi u mome srcu.

Volela sam vruć vetar na licu, miris bagremovog cveta, golicanje trave dok trčimo po livadi bosi, vreli pesak na koži, šum talasa, mesečinu u kosi, dete u naručju, sitne prstiće, nemirne i meke, osmeh dečji kad me probudi… ali više od svega tvoj zagrljaj u noći…

Sada znam – zauvek ću živeti! Ljubavlju kojom sam gledala životu u oči, srcem koje je volelo grčeći se od boli, snagom duše koja je pogasila sva svetla od želje da se ponovo rodi u sjaju koji će goreti poput zvezde sa severa obasjavajući puteve ka ljubavi i slobodi.

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A candle was burning on a moonless night. In the rush of the last contractions, along with my mother’s scream, my cry was also heard. Maybe that night without stars and the moon determined my destiny – I was looking for light. I lived in the illusions, in a half-sleep. I died when the love in my heart disappeared.

I loved the hot wind on my face, the smell of acacia flowers, tickling of the grass as we run across the meadow barefoot, hot sand on my skin, the sound of waves, the moonlight in my hair, a child in my arms, little fingers, restless and soft, a child’s smile when it wakes me… but more than anything your hug in the night …

Now I know – I will live forever! The love with which I looked life in the eye, the heart that loved while twisting in pain, the strength of the soul that extinguished all the lights of the desire to be born again in the radiance that will burn like a star from the north illuminating the paths to love and freedom.

Tijana Stupljanin

Magična jesen / Autumn of magic

Zlatna i bakarna na Miholjskom suncu, raskoš boja i diskretno najavljena blizina zime miluje romantika u meni. Nedavno je nebo omađijao predivni, prepuni Žetveni mesec. Oktobar je vreme žetve, vina, završavanja poslova pre nego što počne zima, hvatanje poslednjih snopova sunca koje prelazi sve kraći put dok ne počine u noć. Pun mesec me toliko inspiriše, blizina zime budi mačku u meni, sanjivu i željnu topline.

Kad Beograd postane siv i mokar, maglovit i hladan, moje celo biće žudi da se ušuška uz voljeno biće ili ćebe, toplu kafu ili kakao, dobru knjigu ili film. Nekada bih samo gledala kroz prozor i pohodila svoj unutrašnji svet i u tome je za mene magija jeseni. Kada se spoljašnji život umiruje i vreme provedeno napolju smanjuje na najmanju meru, budi se naše biće. Ja sam sklona introspekciji i volim da se osamim i uronim u svoje misli, da se prepustim maštarenju. Ove jeseni je kod mene sve to pojačano, valjda je takva godina, kažu svi, sada je vreme da se budimo, menjamo, rastemo iznutra…

Sutra će mesec biti mlad, a to je dobar trenutak da se postave namere, želje, ciljevi, da se iskreira nešto lepo o čemu sanjamo, što priželjkujemo, ali stvarno (ne jednoga dana, ne ako se desi samo od sebe), čemu se vraćamo kada se osećamo dobro, što nas doziva kada nam je svega drugog dosta. Samo jedan korak napravite sutra ka sebi.

I da, ja sam se zaljubila ove jeseni, umesto melanholije i čekanja da zima prođe pa da se ponovo aktiviram, ja sam se zaljubila u svoj život sada!

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Golden and copper in the Indian summer sun, the splendor of colors and the discreetly announced closeness of winter caresses the romantic in me. Recently, the sky was enchanted by the beautiful, full Harvest Moon. October is the time of harvest, wine, finishing work before winter begins, catching the last beams of sun that cross the shorter and shorter path until it dies into the night. The full moon inspires me so much, the proximity of winter awakens the cat in me, dreamy and eager for warmth.

When Belgrade becomes gray and wet, foggy and cold, my whole being longs to snuggle up with a loved one or a blanket, hot coffee or cocoa, a good book or a movie. Sometimes I would just look out the window and visit my inner world and that is the magic of autumn for me. When the external life calms down and the time spent outside is reduced to a minimum, our being wakes up. I am prone to introspection and I like to be alone and immerse myself in my thoughts, to indulge in fantasies. This fall, everything has intensified for me, I guess it’s such a year, everyone says, now is the time to wake up, change, grow from within…

Tomorrow the moon will be young, and that is a good moment to set intentions, desires, goals, to create something beautiful that we dream about, that we wish for, but really (not one day, not if it happens by itself), to what we return to when we feel good, which calls us when we have had enough of everything else. Just take one step towards yourself tomorrow.

And yes, I fell in love this fall, instead of melancholy and waiting for winter to pass to become active again, I fell in love with my life now!

Tijana Stupljanin