Gde je tu Duša? / Where is the Soul in all that?

Ni u okruženju ni u nasleđu ne mogu pronaći pravi instrument koji me je oblikovao, onaj bezimeni valjak koji je na moj život utisnuo izvesni zamršeni vodeni žig, čija neponovljiva šara postaje vidljiva tek kada kroz arak života propustimo svetlo umetnosti.

Vladimir Nabokov – Govor, sećanja (iz knjige “Kod duše”, Džejms Hilman)

Ne znam da li sam usamljena u tome, ali kada sam bila mala devojčica imala sam osećaj kao da živim u nekom paralelnom svetu. U nekim trenucima dok sam sama i zaokupljena nečim, osetila bih skoro pa prisustvo nečega što nije opipljivo. Ja sam to doživljavala kao magiju, kao ples sa nečim prelepim što mi pripada, a nije materijalno. To su momenti u kojima vreme ne prolazi, tiho je i skoro sveto. Vuklo me je nešto da razgledam, a kasnije i čitam knjige ne baš svojstvene deci: rečnike, enciklopedije, priručnike, biografije, istorijske knjige. Sve o čoveku me je zanimalo. O njegovom postanku, o životu na Zemlji, o smislu i svrsi postojanja.

Znala sam oduvek da postoji nešto više od golog života, i što sam se više udaljavala od tog mističnog jezgra, život mi je imao sve manje smisla. Kao da me je u nekom trenutku neko otrgao iz tog čarobnog sveta. Počela sam da se vezujem za materiju i osetila sav užas i besmisao takvog života i to me je mučilo, kao da sam i sama proživljavale sav taj pad čovečnosti i duhovnosti kroz koji su prolazili ljudi kroz vekova, pa sve do sadašnjeg trenutka.

Ne govorim o razlogu življenja, smislu života uopšte ili o filozofiji nekog religijskog vjeruju. Knjiga ne pretenduje da pruži odgovore na takva pitanja. Ona se obraća osećanju svakog od nas da postoji opravdanje za to što moja jedinstvena, neponovljiva ličnost postoji u ovom svetu, te da ima stvari koje nadilaze svakodnevicu i za koje se moram pobrinuti kako bi ta svakodnevica dobila razlog postojanja; osećanju da svet na neki način želi da ja budem tu, da sam odgovoran za jednu urođenu predstavu čije obrise popunjavam u sopstvenoj biografiji.

Džejms Hilman, Kod duše

Tek sada se ponovo osećam kao izraz božanskog koji je tu sa razlogom. Ponovo se povezujem sa svojom dušom koja zna sve puteve i nepogrešivo me vodi do smisla. Lepo je na tom putu imati saveznike i male podsetnike koji me korak po korak približavaju sebi.

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Neither in the environment nor in the heritage can I find the right instrument that shaped me, that nameless roller that has pressed upon my life a certain intricate watermark, whose unique design becomes visible only when we let the light of art shine through life’s foolscap.

Vladimir Nabokov – Speak, Memory (from the book “The Soul’s Code”, James Hillman)

I’m not sure that I am lonely in this, but when I was a little girl I felt like I was living in a parallel world. In some moments while I am alone and preoccupied with something, I would almost feel the presence of something that is not tangible. I experienced it as magic, as a dance with something beautiful that belongs to me, and it is not material. These are moments when time does not pass, it is quiet and almost sacred. I was drawn to observe and later to read the books that are not very typical for children: dictionaries, encyclopedias, manuals, biographies, history books. Everything about humans interested me. I was eager to learn about human’s origin, about life on Earth, about the meaning and purpose of existence.

I always knew that there was something more than a bare life, and the further I moved away from that mystical core, the less meaning my life had. It was as if at some point someone had pooled me out of that magical world. I began to attach myself to matter and felt all the horror and meaninglessness of such a life, and it tormented me, as if I myself had experienced all that decline of humanity and spirituality that people have gone through throughout the centuries, until the present moment.

I’m not talking about the reason for living, the meaning of life in general or the philosophy of a religious believing. The book does not pretend to provide answers to such questions. It addresses the feeling of each of us that there is a justification for my unique, unrepeatable personality to exist in this world, and that there are things that transcend everyday life and that I must take care of them that everyday life gets a reason to exist; the feeling that the world in some way wants me here, that I am responsible for an innate expression whose outlines I fill in my own biography.

James Hillman, The Soul’s Code

Only now do I feel again as an expression of the divine who is there for a reason. I reconnect with my soul that knows all the ways and unmistakably leads me to purpose. It is nice to have allies and small reminders on that path that leads me step by step closer to self.

Tijana Stupljanin

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