Miris kiše u proleće

April već privodi svoje dane kraju, sve se više oseća dah proleća. Jutros me je probudila kiša, vodila sam dete u vrtić i u povratku udahnula svež kišoviti dan. Taj miris kiše u proleće… Kako to opisati? To je doživljaj svih čula, miriše trava, miriše drveće nekom posebnom svežinom koja, za razliku od jesenjih kiša, greje.

Ako ste imali tu sreću da provodite proleća negde u prirodi, kao što sam ja sve prolećne i većinu letnjih raspusta provodila u Aranđelovcu kod babe i dede, u krošnjama Bukovičkog parka i senkama prohladnih povečerja sa Bukulje, možda i vas miris kiše u proleće vrati u mladost.

Nisam nešto posebno nostalgična, ali taj miris mokre šume, pokisle nedavno pokošene trave, taj osećaj da vreme ne teče u tom savršenom trenutku bezbrižnosti i mladalačkog sanjarenja, kao da je ostao zapisan zauvek u mojim nozdrvama.

Srećna sam i zahvalna što sam danas, na tren, ponovo bila devojčica zagledana u oblake i zaljubljena u život koji tek dolazi.

Tijana Stupljanin

Proleće je / It’s spring

I’ll tell you something I never would tell to anybody else

My eyes are loving you with the look that deletes the distances

My dawns are filled with your caresses

Your hands full of happiness lay in my lap

You bring me joy, the sun lights up when you smile

Tijana Stupljanin

Ja, majka / Me, the mother

Postala sam majka pre skoro 8 godina, a tek sad sam spremna da pišem o tome. Ja sam neko ko svemu u životu pristupa studiozno i volim da budem spremna za sve moguće (i nemoguće :-)) scenarije. Čitala sam sve o trudnoći, pripremi za porođaj, vodila dnevnik trudnoće, išla na vežbe pripreme za porođaj, išla u školu roditeljstva, seminare na temu porođaja i roditeljstva, prečešljala sve o svim porodilištima u Beogradu, pa i o porodilištu u Pančevu koje ima dobar program za porođaj po meri trudnice, ma jedino na šta nisam otišla, jer sam kasno čula i nisam mnogo znala o tome, a nisam ni imala podršku da krenem da razmišljam u tom pravcu, jeste obuka kod dule za porođaj kod kuće, mada sam i o tome čitala i divila se, onako iz daleka.

Moj prvi porođaj je bio potpuno drugačiji od svega što sam pročitala, čula i vežbala! Klasičan traumatični, indukovani, porođaj prvorotke, samo u mom slučaju još i bez epidurala. Ne želim o tom iskustvu da pišem, jer time ne bih nikome pomogla, rećiću samo da je svaka trudnoća priča za sebe baš kao i svaki porođaj i baš kao i svaka beba koja nakon toga dođe na svet. Samo ću reći da ako znate da ćete biti pod indukcijom zaista dobro razmislite i o epiduralu, ja sam naivno mislila da moja prirodna elastičnost, visok prag bola i decenija bolnih ciklusa mogu da preguraju porođaj, ali indukcija nije prirodna sila i ne može se prirodom pobediti, iz mog iskustva.

U svakom slučaju, posle dva dana u porodilištu, došle smo kući moja bekana i ja i igranka je počela. Dala mi je taman toliko fore da mi se gvožđe, koje je čudom nestalo iz mog krvotoka, malo podigne na normalu i da mogu da sednem iole pristojno, a onda su krenuli grčevi, pa teško uspavljivanje. Nosali smo je, pevali, nunali, masirali, otkrili panda položaj na ruci, pa white noise, koji je nju kao smirivao, ali zato mog muža izluđivao :D. Ja sam u svom zamišljenom idealu planirala da joj ne dajem cuclu, nisam je ni kupila, dojila sam je kad god je tražila ili plakala. Sva sreća pa je moja sestra, već iskusna majka, prilikom prve posete donela cuclu. Čini mi se da se ni grčevi još nisu skroz završili, nju su počeli da svrbe desni, balavila je, sve što joj se nađe u vidnom polju stavljala u usta, ličila je na klovna sa crvenom farbom oko usta. Uspavljivanje je i dalje bilo čista akrobatika! Rećiću vam samo da je prvi put prespavala celu noć i to nekoliko noći za redom sa punih godinu i po dana! Ja još uvek nemam taj luksuz.

Dojenje mi je bilo jako važno i za to sam se pripremala upijajući sve savete. Tek sam sa drugim detetom shvatila da mi prvo dete nije uopšte bilo dobro postavljeno za sisanje, ali šta je tu je, čovek se uči dok je živ. Kad su prošle ragade, koje su većim delom bile posledica upravo loše postavljene bebe na dojku (obavezno pitajte neku babicu ili iskusnu dojilju da vam pokaže kako se u startu beba postavlja), dojenje mi je bilo najlepši deo materinstva, toliko nežnosti, lepote, ljubavi, bliskosti i mira u tako jednostavnom činu, dojenje je čisto služenje božanskom sa najvišim smislom!

Koliko sam uživala u dojenju, toliko mi je muke zadavalo menjanje pelena. Ne mislim na tehniku prepovijanja, to sam savladala lako, kao iskusna tetka dve divne duše. Činilo mi se da moje dete non stop kaki i piški i ozbiljno trenira moju izdržljivost. Presvuci dete pre podoja, presvukla, podojila, dete se ukakilo, presvuci ponovo. Presvuci dete posle podoja, dete zaspalo na sisi, nit’ da je budiš, nit’ da je ostaviš da spava sa punom pelenom! Nemoguća misija. Onda podrigivanje, majko moja, nosaj u specijalnom položaju, lupkaj po leđima, ali pogodi pravo mesto. Taman mislim, podrignula je, uspavam i spustim u krevetac, ne prođe ni 10 minuta, eto nje ili se ukakila ili nije do kraja podrignula.

Eh, kad se samo setim svih dogodovština! Ipak, to su sve najslađe muke, jer one male čudesne stvari koje se dešavaju u međuvremenu su toliko divne da sam stalno bila u zahvalnosti što svedočim tom čudu od života koje se odvija pred mojim očima i na mojim rukama.

Tijana Stupljanin

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I became a mother almost 8 years ago, and only now am I ready to write about it. I am someone who approaches everything in life studiously and I like to be ready for all possible (and impossible :-)) scenarios. I read everything about pregnancy, preparation for childbirth, kept a pregnancy diary, went to childbirth preparation exercises, went to parenting school, seminars on childbirth and parenthood, combed everything about all maternity hospitals in Belgrade, including the maternity hospital in Pancevo which has a good childbirth program tailored for a pregnant woman, the only thing I didn’t go to, because I heard about it a bit late and didn’t know much about, and I didn’t even have the support to start thinking in that direction, is training for giving birth at home, although I also read about it and admired it, from afar.

My first childbirth was completely different from everything I read, heard and practiced! Classic traumatic, induced, birth of a first-born, only in my case without an epidural. I don’t want to write about that experience, because I wouldn’t help anyone with that, I’ll just say that every pregnancy is a story for itself, just like every birth is and just like every baby that comes into the world after that. I’ll just say that if you know you’re going to be induced, think really well about the epidural, I naively thought that my natural elasticity, high pain threshold, and decades of painful cycles could push through childbirth, but induction is not a natural force and can’t be beaten naturally. From my experience.

Anyway, after two days in the maternity hospital, my baby and I came home and the party started. She gave me just enough time to get my iron, which miraculously disappeared from my bloodstream, to rise a little to normal and to be able to sit at all decently, and then the cramps started, and then hard times putting her to sleep. We carried her, sang, swayed, massaged, discovered the panda position on the arm, then the white noise, which calmed her down, but drove my husband crazy: D. In my imagined ideal, I planned not to give her a pacifier, I didn’t even buy it, I breastfed her whenever she asked or cried. Luckily, my sister, already an experienced mother, brought a pacifier during the first visit. It seemed to me that the cramps are not completely over yet, her gums started itching, she was drooling, she put everything that was in her field of vision in her mouth, she looked like a clown with red paint around her mouth. Putting her to sleep was still pure acrobatics! I’ll just tell you that she slept through the night for the first time, several nights in a row when she was a year and a half old! I still don’t have that luxury.

Breastfeeding was very important to me and I prepared for it by absorbing all the advice. It was only with the second child that I realized that my first child was not well placed for breastfeeding at all, but what is there is, a man learns while he is alive. When the nipple soreness was over, which were mostly the result of a badly placed baby on the breast (be sure to ask a midwife or an experienced breastfeeding mother to show you how to put the baby in the beginning), breastfeeding was the most beautiful part of motherhood, so much tenderness, beauty, love, intimacy and peace in such a simple act, breastfeeding is pure service to the divine with the highest meaning!

As much as I enjoyed breastfeeding, changing the diapers troubled me so much, on the other hand. I don’t mean the changing technique, I mastered it easily, as an experienced aunt of two wonderful souls. It seemed to me that my child was constantly pooping and peeing and seriously training my endurance. They say change the diaper before breastfeeding, I changed the diaper, breastfeed, the baby pooped, change the baby again. Then, change the baby after breastfeeding, the baby fell asleep on the breast, neither to wake her up, nor to leave her to sleep with a full diaper! Mission Impossible. Then burping, oh my god, carry her in a special position, tap her back, but hit the right place. Just as I think she burped, she falls asleep and I put her down in the crib, not even 10 minutes passes, there she is, she either filled her diaper or didn’t burp all the way.

Eh, when I just remember all the adventures! Still, these are all the sweetest torments, because those little miraculous things that are happening in the meantime are so wonderful that I have always been grateful to witness that miracle of life unfolding before my eyes and on my hands.

Tijana Stupljanin