Sjaj / The glow

Zagrlila sam ga, pridržavajući ga nežno. Gledali smo se u oči, njegove su se smešile nekim zvezdanim sjajem. Bile su to oči dečaka, koji zavisi od tuđe ljubavi, koji voli iskreno i ništa ne traži za uzvrat. Taj njegov pogled mi je davao snagu da se ne raspadnem, znajući da ga gubim dok ga je njegovo telo izdavalo. U tim rukama koje su me toliko puta nosile i dizale u nebo, nije više bilo snage, a „ moje brze noge što su nekad konja mogle stići, a sada su oslabile, jedva mogu na njih ići…“, kako je voleo da recituje. Znala sam da odlazi polako, na onaj neizbežni put, ali nisam to htela da priznam. Ipak je on bio tu za mene od mog prvog plača, 23 godine sam mu sedela u krilu, uz njega sam uvek bila dete, a sada sam morala da odrastem.

Naizgled to je bio jedan običan i, kako će se ispostaviti, poslednji susret jedne unuke i njenog voljenog dede. Samo, za mene je taj pogled kojim smo sve rekli, a da reč nismo izgovorili, bio poslednja podrška koju sam dobila od njega. Njegov sigurni zagrljaj sa “onoga sveta”. Spokoj, ljubav i prostodušnost tog pogleda su me umirivali i grejali moju dušu vraćajući sve lepe uspomene na detinjstvo i odrastanje uz njega. Taj naš susret bio je i ostao moje svetlo na kraju tunela tuge koja još ume da zaboli, skoro 20 godina kasnije, ali taj sjaj u oku… još uvek sija kao najsjajnija zvezda.

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I hugged him, holding him gently. We were looking into each other’s eyes, his were smiling with a starry glow. These were the eyes of a boy, who depends on someone else’s love, who loves sincerely and does not ask for anything in return. That look of his gave me the strength not to fall apart, knowing I was losing him as his body betrayed him. In those hands that carried me so many times and lifted me into the sky, there was no more strength, and “my fast legs, which once could run with horses, but now are weak, I can barely use them for walking…”, as he liked to recite. I knew he was leaving slowly, on that inevitable path, but I didn’t want to admit it. However, he has been there for me since my first cry, I sat on his lap for 23 years, I was always a child with him, and now I had to grow up.
Seemingly, it was an ordinary and, as it turns out, the last meeting between a granddaughter and her beloved grandfather. Only, for me, that look with which we said everything, without saying a word, was the last support I received from him. His safe embrace from “the other world”. The serenity, love and simplicity of that look calmed me and warmed my soul, returning all the beautiful memories of my childhood and growing up with him by my side. That meeting of ours was and remains my light at the end of the tunnel of sorrow that can still hurt, almost 20 years later, but that glow in the eyes… still shines like the brightest star.
Tijana Stupljanin

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