Gledam svog malog andjela kako slatko spava, napućila je ustašca, ručice podigla visoko iznad glave, nešto sanja…

Razmišljam danima o svim strahovima, nadama, željama i opet strahovima, o sebi, o prošlosti i budućnosti, o životu. I kao i uvek u takvim trenucima, nemirnog sam uma, misli igraju svoju igru sumnje i zabluda, srce se plaši. Sve procenjujem, sve vagam. Više u telu nego u duši živim taj raspolućeni život i čekam da oluja prođe, da se misli stišaju, razbistre, da mogu neku pouku da izvučem, neku novu lekciju otpišem…

Sve počinje iznutra, iz jezgra, iz suštine i kad sazri pronadje svoj put napolje, izbije na površinu…

To mi daje i snagu i nadu da istrajem, da zaronim u sebe i počupam sav korov koji me pritiska i vuče ka dnu, jer znam da ću okupana svetlošću svoje duše izroniti jača, čistija i bolja.

A život teče, po nekom svom naumu i redu, i istrpi, na kraju, sve prepreke, sva skretanja koja mu nudim, iz straha da ne zalutam, iz buke uma koju ne mogu uvek da ugušim, tek po nekoj slutnji utišanog srca, čujem njegov šum koji me doziva da mu se prepustim. Vraćam mu se, na sreću, uvek, jer život je veći od nas samih i dešava se bili mi spremni ili ne.

Ranije sam mislila da je život težak, tako sam slušala valjda od starijih, i mislila sam da mu se treba suprotstavljati, boriti se za ono što želim po svaku cenu… Neke cene su ipak bile preskupe, a želje pogrešno protumačene. Istina je u staroj poslovici “sila Boga ne moli”, jer suprotstavljajući se tom toku, sputavamo i svoje želje i udaljavamo se od Boga i njegove zamisli. Dugo mi je trebalo da shvatim i prihvatim, istinu koju sam oduvek slutila iskonskom pameću, da je Bog ustvari dobar i da nam je namenio mnogo više i bolje nego što možemo da zamislimo ograničenim umom, zastrašenim srcem, ovim vremenom i prostorom.

A naša duša, naš suštinski život, beskonačan je i neuhvatljiv. O njemu su svi naši snovi, sve nade. On je od čiste mašte sazdan. Potrebno je samo voleti i verovati…

Zato večeras grlim svoju dušu, ljubim svoj život i zahvaljujem Bogu na svemu… i molim se da me ne napusti, ni sad, ni ikad, jer jedina stalna borba koju vredi voditi u ovom životu jeste borba za stišavanje uma i jačanje vere u sam život.

Celivam te poljupcima svoga srca!

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I am watching my little angel sleep sweetly, she has puffed her tiny mouth, raised her arms high above her head, she is dreaming something…

I am thinking for days now about all the fears, hopes, desires and again fears, about myself, about the past and the future, about life. And as always in such moments, my mind is restless, thoughts play their game of doubt and delusion, the heart is afraid. I evaluate everything, I weigh everything. I live that half-through life more in my body than in my soul and I am waiting for the storm to pass, for my thoughts to calm down, for me to clear up, for me to learn a lesson, to write off another lesson…

It all starts from the inside, from the core, from the essence and when it matures it finds its way out, it comes to the surface…

It gives me both strength and hope to persevere, to dive into myself and pull out all the weeds that presses me and drags me to the bottom, because I know that bathed in the light of my soul, I will emerge stronger, purer and better.

And life flows, fallowing his own plan and order, and endures, in the end, all obstacles, all the turning points I offer him, fearing of getting lost, out of the noise of the mind that I can’t always suffocate. Only by some intuition of a quiet heart, I hear his noise calling me to surrender to him. Fortunately, I always come back to him, because life is bigger than ourselves and it happens whether we are ready or not.

Some costs, however, were too high, and the wishes were misinterpreted. The truth is in the old proverb “the power does not pray the God “, because by opposing that flow, we also restrain our desires and distance ourselves from the God and his idea. It took me a long time to understand and accept, the truth that I have always sensed in the primordial mind, that the God is actually good and has intended for us far more and much better things than we can imagine with our limited mind, a frightened heart, with this time and space.

And our soul, our essential life, is infinite and elusive. All our dreams, all our hopes are about it. It is made out of pure imagination. You just have to love and believe…

So tonight, I am hugging my soul, I am loving my life and I thank the God for everything… and I pray that he does not leave me, not now or ever, because the only constant struggle worth fighting in this life is the struggle to calm the mind and strengthen the faith in life itself.

I am kissing you with the kisses of my heart!

Tijana Stupljanin